All of us want to have better relationships, but this can be one of the hardest challenges. It’s not something we can focus on alone because there’s another person involved, and sometimes we haven’t had great role models in our own families of what a long-lasting loving relationship looks like.
Here are a five keys that can help improve any relationship, whether it’s brand new or decades-long:
Trust is most important. Without trust, you don’t really have a relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable fully being yourself, or if you or your partner are keeping important information from each other, then you’re engaging as a pretend version of yourself or with a pretend version of your partner.
True closeness requires allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You can’t fully love if you’re not willing to be vulnerable. What makes us willing to be vulnerable is feeling safe with our partners. Being with your partner should be the place where you feel safest, and vice versa.
Relationships break down when the ratio of positive to negative interactions gets too low. Happiness research shows that for people to feel content, the ratio of positive to negative interactions needs to be eight to one. That’s high! That means for every negative interaction, there should be at least eight positive interactions. Positive interactions can be as simple as a smile or a hug, or a compliment or an expression of appreciation. Sometimes once a relationship gets past the “honeymoon phase”, partners stop thanking each other for little things, or complimenting, and encouraging each other. It’s also common to see people get in the habit of being sarcastic or snarky with each other and complaining about each other in front of other people. This is a sure way to erode trust and intimacy.
When conflicts arise, listen with the goal of hearing each other and resolving the problem. If there’s already a foundation of trust and vulnerability in your relationship, then you can have a conversation around what went wrong and really listen to each other. Listening is so important, especially in the middle of a conflict when you want to focus on your side of the story. It’s not helpful to keep score or try to “win.” No one wins when scorekeeping is involved. It’s also not helpful to escalate and bring up every past transgression. Instead, focus on what happened, what needs to change, and where there’s common ground to start from.
If you’re in a relationship for the long haul, both people are going to change, and the circumstances of your lives are going to change, and that’s ok. In a great relationship, neither person is trying to control the other person or mold or “fix” them or keep them the same. Instead, both people have agreed to support each other and travel together on life’s journey. And that’s exciting and inspiring!